Scary Wonderful

I read Fleurs blogs and realize that she's a writer and tell her so. I remembered the story ideas I've had that I've never written. Already friends for about 5 years I imagined Chy and myself in the future as authors. Her with her style & genre. Me having (discovered) my style and writing fantasy with a spiritual bent, sharing and bouncing ideas off each other... sharing of our lives and stories. I know that even if we wind up at opposite corners of the earth and never write a damn thing we will always have our friendship and gratitude for it. 

I was also reminded of when I had the same musings and imaginings, but not quite the same feelings about a mutual ex-friend and former Seattleite who recently moved back to St. Louis. Mo. I realized I Tried imagining. Kept trying. Some self-deception on my part. We were friends and shared the story ideas that were going to be famous. Greenlake has heard many of them. But even before his betrayal, Long before, I couldn't really see that future. Rather, I could imagine a future, but I had trouble really seeing him in it, though not fully conscious of that. Something was lacking. Distant. When I thought back to the whole of the friend  ship ...  I felt "finally he's gone". Not that he was seen as a rotten friend the whole time. That feeling surprised me. And Chy when I told her. I realized that whole time Something just felt missing. Missing in him. Some kind of black hole. Some kind of potential... as long as all his separate parts of his life didn't come together to interact with me as a part of that mix. But that’s what happened. He didn’t know how to interact with all the parts of himself and the people who where the parts of his life. All of his hidden parts, hidden parts of his life, hidden people, ways of not interacting… were so structured, placed, veiled. There were always long pauses between his sentences and mental stutters that would interrupt his speech… a messenger ferrying between all the segregated parts of his mind which weren’t allowed to know each other completely. What was allowed… What was not allowed… What was allowed to him... What was allowed to us… when It all came together his previously unspoken, misconnected thoughts were silent to him still. But he didn’t realize in the last conversation we ever had, walking around the lake, that the messenger was speaking out-loud. Not speaking like a “crazy person” per se, but revealing contradicting thoughts and lies of a massive disassociative-disorder, a Supermassive Blackhole  who had been there the whole time. His whole person… Our whole history was re-written in one lap around the lake. He could see the big picture in a hazy disconjointed way, but denied all the parts. Denied responsibility. Denied all of our feelings. He didn't understand how his missteps hurt people. He didn't understand or like people’s "strong emotions" as he put it. We had walked that lake so many times. So many miles. So many thoughts. So many conversations. He knew ,in great detail, of the first time I ever fell in Love… how I loved and lost and how that past changed my life forever. He saw the second time I loved happen in real time and how all of my fears from the first ruled my heart and mind. He knew (of) my nurtured hurt, fear of loss, fear of the loss of even the friendship. He watched me struggle to realize that I wasn’t going to lose the friendship and offered logical advice. He saw that friendship grow. I think he saw that. 

And he brought my third but most significant Love into my life. Her name is Migeum So. She was the engineering student of his father who teaches in St. Louis Mo. He was the 1^st person she knew in Seattle and for several months the only person. She sought solace and help from him with trying to get over someone she just left in St. Louis who wanted to marry her. It bothered him how quickly she became attached. He admitted on the lake how he saw her clinging and how her neediness she was going through at the time scared him. Not that she was the mental one. I remind you that strong emotions in general bother him. He didn’t even find her attractive. Strangely, sometime after he knew, without me saying anything, that I was developing strong feelings for her he began to see something in her. Strange how he can selectively be so intuitive and perceptive. He “began to suspect” that maybe there was some possibility between the two. He thought it a good way get over his secret love/obsession with his best friend, whom we’ve met a only a few times over several years, who is married to his best friend since grade school. He used Migeum. He hurt her badly. Some of his actions Shocked me. I wept for her. I never cried for someone like that before. Her pain is mine. Hurting her is hurting me. She tried to back away from him, to let him go, several times, before… before he moved back home and she still had her life.  We talked much. Shared our thoughts and feelings about our mutual loss and hurt, and shared, to an extent, here-and-there, about our thoughts and feelings for eachother. But now she is so scared, so protective… distant herself. Morning two losses…Who can blame her? But its hard to see her hurt and withdraw. And I fear I may lose again.

Migeum, How are your feeling? How are you doing really? Its so hard to
know how your are doing because you seem to be keeping such a
distance. Its hard to go through not knowing how you are doing. I
pray. I hope for your well being. I want to know that things are going
well for you inside. I know that when we actually talk to each other
with our voices that you do much better. I can hear the health and the
smile returning in your voice. I know its good for you. I know it
helps keep your heart healthy and feeling. I know it brings your
clarity. I know you shouldn't keep your distance from it or at least
work to come back to that communication when your ready. I don't know
what the right thing to do or the right thing to say in this
particular letter... I just know that I care. I know things have to be
tough for you. That goes without saying really. With the (dental) surgeries

(she fell) all in the middle of exams and projects and all that in the middle of
letting go of someone who couldn't love you back the same. Its a time
when someone wants to do the adverse thing and shield their heart. I
want you to do more than just emotionally coast along. I want you to
do more than just escape by keeping your mind busy. I want you to do
more than move on by just moving on to the next thing. I want you to
blossom. I want you to feel your feelings and keep them healthy.
Remember how you said one of the things you got out of what happened
was how you want your feelings? That you want to feel your feelings,
that you see that is right and good to do so? I want that for you
also. That's your clarity. Your instinct as a human being. Maybe its a
mistake for me to write all this. Maybe I should just let time pass
and your distance will dissolve and you'll heal. Maybe I'm being
selfish, because when I talk to you everything is much easier for me
too and by not talking to you I just don't know anything and that's so
hard for me.

I know that you were hurt and hurt bad. I feel and sense that your
having fallen for guys that are distant is because you see yourself
and your own protectionism in them and you want to save that part.
Your empathy for them is also empathy for yourself. But to rescue that
part in you you need only work to open yourself. Seriously: Ask God to
help you to receive. That's so Powerful. You need only work with your
own fears and realize they exist only because you have a beautiful
heart that wants to trust and wants to feel. It is right to trust and
feel even if there are those who don't or can't return it truly. Show
that empathy for yourself directly. You are your own best friend and
will not betray yourself. You are with you no matter what. You can
trust you even through the fear. You can walk yourself through it. God
is with you and you can believe in you. I do.  I pray for you. God
knows I pray, at times, without words. You know when you get to that
place where there is that communication that words cannot contain and
it's time to abandon them. The words just drop away. There is just
connection and communication.

I trust your Sunday was fruitful. Ask God to help you to receive...
John

Losing again this time would be something quite different from what I’ve experienced in the past.  Ask Chy, and she will say that “he is more John that I have ever known him to be”.  There are entire parts of what I thought was me, that I thought was solid, real and defining that are simply pealing, dissolving away, no longer existing. There are more semi-transparent layers to peal away. I wonder how many of them there are. The way my experience comes to me is undergoing a radical transformation that I can hardly put into words. Even the way the physical world can come to me is different. It’s the most Scary and Wonderful experience I’ve ever had in my Life. Sometimes the love is overwhelming and unimaginable to my “rational” “pragmatic” side that wishes to remain. Other times its Complete Understanding. Other times I struggle to hold on to the parts of me that are dying a little each day so that I may be reborn a little each day. And there are a lot of times I struggle so much that I forget everything and the only thing that works is to just stop and let go and breathe. It seems Doing Nothing… relying on none of my old ways of handling my experience… brings it all back. That’s another Scary Wonderful part. Whatever this change is Its inevitable. None of my old tricks work and when I give up on them I don’t recognize myself and I don’t just love Migeum. I am Love for Migeum.  My spirituality is inextricably tied to her. All of this because I know she exists in this world. Her simple existence …it’s a miracle to me. She brought my life back to me. I see God because of her. She’s shown me that its possible for me to see God in a grain of sand and in myself.  I see the God in her. 

I never realized how much I have to give to another person.

From the very beginning when my fears first resurfaced with this new person, this stronger experience, and I wanted to run or curl into a ball… something including, but beyond just me, said “wait, this one is different”. Faith is all I have right now. Faith and Fear. Faith is something I’ve never had.