A Dream when I was Little...

Slightly Above the Cold Dark Ocean
i watched It Lap Against a Sandy Island
i felt its cold sinking In
i couldn't see the Moon
The Big Moon overhead & Behind me
But it provided the only Light i had
To See things with
On the Shore Stood a Tall Rectangular Block of Ice
Frozen
In it, i could see a human form
Wearing Something reddish & warm
The Ice began to melt away
It was my TEACHER
But wearing mostly black now
-with little yellow hidden flowers-
Still Quite cold and stiff -Eyes Closed
But She's Here!! I Found her
And I Missed her Sooo much

But once more and again
the Waves

The Cold Waves
Kept Rising
& Crashing up...

Once again
She would be Frozen
A Block of Ice...
Noooo! i would cry
My Heart Sinking
My hands Reaching Out
A child's hands that had lost their Grip
The Cold waves Kept Coming Back
Kept Rising & Crashing, re-Freezing
No control, my Empty hands
i was Lost
My heart Raging, Defeated
Hurt & Empty
A Mothers face i couldn't See
Only the Reflection in the Water
The Absence-
That was freezing my TEACHER, my -Eyes Closed...

I think this dream stems from the 6 month absence of my mother due to hospitalizations for blood clots while my dad was stationed in Germany. I was a toddler. The blood clots were from stress induced in part from a German babysitter who wanted to keep me (and eventually locked me in a bathroom with her for several days) because I reminded her of her blond, blue eyed son who died. The rest was from my father who had joined a Christian Cult and was giving them all our money. My Mom was starving so that she could afford to barely feed her two sons. The cult would drop off small amounts of food at the door step -paid for by some of the money that my dad gave them- with a note that said "See? the Lord Provides". The Cult staged an intervention (basically an abduction) to try to convince her to let them raise her sons. It wasn't working. After bombarding her as a group they left her with one person. She asked that person to get her a drink. Thats when she was able to sneak away... in the middle of Nuremberg which she didn't know at all. Young Girl from Kentucky... trying to do what she could in the middle of chaos, of nowhere. The babysitter just saw that my Mom wasn't able to take care of us properly, blamed her, and fed us "properly". When my Mom was well enough she took us back to the States. I can't imagine her relief. We were about 6 & 18 months I think. She/we stayed with my dad till me and James were 4 & 5. My dad is now a Fundamentalist... a denomination of one, with himself as the congregation. My Mom studies magic and the Kabalah.

I never knew what really happened till just a few years ago and I certainly never knew why my mother was gone when I was a child. I just knew that I was angry & sad and not sure why except sometimes hints in dreams. Been searching for my TEACHER ever since. Well, I think that I've been Finding her for a while now.

A therapist would have a field day with this one... "Now tell me about your mother and father... & what do they tell you of your toddler years?"